Short story help plase (1 Viewer)

[trano]

DOOM: Repercussions of Evil

John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Colonel Jason were not listened to and how it was too late. Gar too late for now, anyway.
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he hot oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons,
"This is Jason" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"
So John gotted his plasma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons
"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"NO! i must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
And then John was a zombie.

 

[Aerath]

No offense, sounds like the bad trailer to District 9. The belonging is sketchy, and what little can be drawn from it, is rather crap. =\

Try something more...sentimental, nostalgic and reflective. Less action, more though. Less guns, more catalysts for a sense of belonging.. etc etc.

 

[Absolutezero]

Could fit in with a bunch of D Grade Grindhouse films...

 

[Top Secret]

Lol, zombies and demons? Really?

 

[trano]

Lol, zombies and demons? Really?

why is no halp?

 

[lychnobity]

why is no halp?

Read:

No offense, sounds like the bad trailer to District 9. The belonging is sketchy, and what little can be drawn from it, is rather crap. =\

Try something more...sentimental, nostalgic and reflective. Less action, more though. Less guns, more catalysts for a sense of belonging.. etc etc.

In short: It's crap. You'll get 2/15 for it (in my books)

What do you want? A re-write? Coz it aint happening

1) Make it longer
2) Explore belonging, not guns and demons etc

 

[Top Secret]

You'll get 2/15 for it

I reckon more like 0.01/15

 

[carbonox]

"No, John. You are the demons" haha, nice story. I don't think anyone here gets the joke though

 

[Whitelegs]

Hahaha I did when I reached the end, it really made me laugh.

 

[trano]

Hahaha I did when I reached the end, it really made me laugh.

ahahaha yes it is a joke!! :rofl:

 

[ibrian]

AMAZING, it really is possible to be so bad, you're good.

 

[missquach]

Omg your story made me cry! thats so touching.. i felt like i was the boy in the story, it felt so real!, the way you described space ship turns me on... keep up the good work

 

[heyyyyo]

do u do English fundamentals?

 

[carbonox]

Doom: Repercussions of Evil is a multi-layered, thoughtful piece of prose in which the protagonist is wrestling with the demons of his present and how they have manifested from his troubled past. We find that John Stalvern has not been able to let go of the painful relationship between himself and his father and subsequently is haunted by recollections of the warnings and wisdom he rejected from the man with whom he shared a broken love.

Further, we find suggestions of mental illness in the episode of psychosis we witness, brought on by the flickering of the ceiling lights which trigger his inner torment and tap into the pain of his past, causing a transformation even John does not yet realise has occurred. The severe paranoia John exhibits is clearly ignored by his fellow marines, shown by the disregard Colonel Jason displays regarding John's warning of demons inhabiting the base. This action is likely one of many which contributes to the psychotic release and externalisation of John's repressed demons. In this state of mental delusion, John's imagination creates a Jason counterpart who is fully aware of the demons and is willing to provide communications support to John in his quest, so that John feels he is not alone as the sole witness to his despair. John's certainty of victory over his demons is exhibited by their fearful cry of imminent destruction but the cyberdemon becomes the Jungian archetype of John's strongest, darkest Shadow self who is the only one willing to resist against John's attempts at emotional exorcism. Caught in an epic struggle between the personification of his pain and the John-self who struggles for inner healing, John's shattered mentality is unable to ascertain which is stronger and the ceiling collapses to create a stalemate in which he does not have to endure the stress of self-reparation. It is with the final twist of events in which we find Colonel Jason, the voice of John's higher self of distanced wisdom is the messenger to reveal John's true nature unto himself. The demons he externalised are indeed a creation of his own mental deterioration and it is faced with this fact that he reaches a turning point in his struggle for completeness - either he will either overcome the restrictive mechanism of self-preservation to become free, or he will collapse from the frustration of his inability to forgive the father he rejected so long ago. With the final revelation, we discover that John is simply not strong enough to individualise and become the man he laments the loss of. In the twisted reality of John's darkest insanity, he himself is transformed into a demonic being, the undead nature of his zombie form depicting the never-ending torment he has given in to suffer for the remainder of his mortal existence.

 

[clintmyster]

I LOLed

 

[arks]

Doom: Repercussions of Evil is a multi-layered, thoughtful piece of prose in which the protagonist is wrestling with the demons of his present and how they have manifested from his troubled past. We find that John Stalvern has not been able to let go of the painful relationship between himself and his father and subsequently is haunted by recollections of the warnings and wisdom he rejected from the man with whom he shared a broken love.

Further, we find suggestions of mental illness in the episode of psychosis we witness, brought on by the flickering of the ceiling lights which trigger his inner torment and tap into the pain of his past, causing a transformation even John does not yet realise has occurred. The severe paranoia John exhibits is clearly ignored by his fellow marines, shown by the disregard Colonel Jason displays regarding John's warning of demons inhabiting the base. This action is likely one of many which contributes to the psychotic release and externalisation of John's repressed demons. In this state of mental delusion, John's imagination creates a Jason counterpart who is fully aware of the demons and is willing to provide communications support to John in his quest, so that John feels he is not alone as the sole witness to his despair. John's certainty of victory over his demons is exhibited by their fearful cry of imminent destruction but the cyberdemon becomes the Jungian archetype of John's strongest, darkest Shadow self who is the only one willing to resist against John's attempts at emotional exorcism. Caught in an epic struggle between the personification of his pain and the John-self who struggles for inner healing, John's shattered mentality is unable to ascertain which is stronger and the ceiling collapses to create a stalemate in which he does not have to endure the stress of self-reparation. It is with the final twist of events in which we find Colonel Jason, the voice of John's higher self of distanced wisdom is the messenger to reveal John's true nature unto himself. The demons he externalised are indeed a creation of his own mental deterioration and it is faced with this fact that he reaches a turning point in his struggle for completeness - either he will either overcome the restrictive mechanism of self-preservation to become free, or he will collapse from the frustration of his inability to forgive the father he rejected so long ago. With the final revelation, we discover that John is simply not strong enough to individualise and become the man he laments the loss of. In the twisted reality of John's darkest insanity, he himself is transformed into a demonic being, the undead nature of his zombie form depicting the never-ending torment he has given in to suffer for the remainder of his mortal existence.

Clearly this is a great story

 

[trano]

Doom: Repercussions of Evil is a multi-layered, thoughtful piece of prose in which the protagonist is wrestling with the demons of his present and how they have manifested from his troubled past. We find that John Stalvern has not been able to let go of the painful relationship between himself and his father and subsequently is haunted by recollections of the warnings and wisdom he rejected from the man with whom he shared a broken love.

Further, we find suggestions of mental illness in the episode of psychosis we witness, brought on by the flickering of the ceiling lights which trigger his inner torment and tap into the pain of his past, causing a transformation even John does not yet realise has occurred. The severe paranoia John exhibits is clearly ignored by his fellow marines, shown by the disregard Colonel Jason displays regarding John's warning of demons inhabiting the base. This action is likely one of many which contributes to the psychotic release and externalisation of John's repressed demons. In this state of mental delusion, John's imagination creates a Jason counterpart who is fully aware of the demons and is willing to provide communications support to John in his quest, so that John feels he is not alone as the sole witness to his despair. John's certainty of victory over his demons is exhibited by their fearful cry of imminent destruction but the cyberdemon becomes the Jungian archetype of John's strongest, darkest Shadow self who is the only one willing to resist against John's attempts at emotional exorcism. Caught in an epic struggle between the personification of his pain and the John-self who struggles for inner healing, John's shattered mentality is unable to ascertain which is stronger and the ceiling collapses to create a stalemate in which he does not have to endure the stress of self-reparation. It is with the final twist of events in which we find Colonel Jason, the voice of John's higher self of distanced wisdom is the messenger to reveal John's true nature unto himself. The demons he externalised are indeed a creation of his own mental deterioration and it is faced with this fact that he reaches a turning point in his struggle for completeness - either he will either overcome the restrictive mechanism of self-preservation to become free, or he will collapse from the frustration of his inability to forgive the father he rejected so long ago. With the final revelation, we discover that John is simply not strong enough to individualise and become the man he laments the loss of. In the twisted reality of John's darkest insanity, he himself is transformed into a demonic being, the undead nature of his zombie form depicting the never-ending torment he has given in to suffer for the remainder of his mortal existence.

well played. /troll thread

 

[Vindictus]

I'm surprised at how many bit.