Would you ever take back a cheater? (2 Viewers)

[jumb]

You know what I'm sick of hearing that "once a cheater, always a cheater". it's not fucking true in every case.

I agree with this, however in terms of the relationship, there is no way to repair the damage when it is done. The best thing would be to realise that what you had couldn't have been that special and to move on from that relationship.

 

[Tulipa]

I agree with this, however in terms of the relationship, there is no way to repair the damage when it is done. The best thing would be to realise that what you had couldn't have been that special and to move on from that relationship.

Or keep going with it, make it work and learn to trust again.

That can happen.

 

[jumb]

Or keep going with it, make it work and learn to trust again.

That can happen.

And yet it would always be in your mind "I loved her before and she did that, what's to stop her doing it again?"

There is not one single case where a relationship wont be eternally hurt from one person cheating.

 

[withoutaface]

Yay, blanket statements!

 

[Tulipa]

It can still heal from it though. I'm sick of arguing about it because there will always been people saying how horrible cheaters are and not ever being in a situation where they had to deal with it. Also because I don't feel like rehashing my personal life for BoS.

Look all I'm saying (and this is for Alley) is that if you love him enough and believe that he loves you enough then it can work out. If you think it's worth it, then maybe it is.

 

[Not-That-Bright]

Look all I'm saying (and this is for Alley) is that if you love him enough and believe that he loves you enough then it can work out. If you think it's worth it, then maybe it is.

This is definately true and for the most part this is the course you'll most likely follow if you're head over heels in love with someone. The only problem is that this can also lead to alot of heartbreak -- perpetuating a harmful relationship where you aren't treated the way you should be.

That's why I don't think an internets forum is the best place to even begin to fathom the answer to such a question, the only people who could be of any assistance would be your closest friends/family... but I guess it could serve as a nice diary.

 

[Serius]

But I love him...

That's honestly all I can say. I know it's stupid and if it were a friend of mine asking for advice I'd say dump him because he's not worth it, only... maybe he is worth it. And doesn't it make me a big person if i give him another chance. There's no excuse for it, but he makes me happy and he is really apologetic.

Sarah, if you didn't mean sex, what did you mean? Kissing/fooling around?
*sigh*
Fuck I wish it was just fooling around. Things would be simpler then.

Am I a chump for letting him slink back to me? Is there no-one who has taken back a cheater?

Damn.

it makes me think about the tv show Heroes. The guy cop loves his wife, but she cheated on him and he doesnt know if he should take her back because it will make him a chump. His cop partner tells him that if he loves her he should find a way to make the marriage work.

Personally, there would be alot of emotions i would have to get through, and try and work out if all the hurt and humiliation and even people thinking you are a chump is worth it, if they are worth it.

Would i ever cheat? i dont know. I guess i can see situations where it might happen, like if i was in a dieing relationship and a totally hot awesome girl was trying to seduce me then i just might give in. Maybe you need to cheat just once to realise how bad it is and that you should not do it in future relationships. Its morally reprehensible to me, but at the same times its almost understandable.

I guess the end result is to err is human.

 

[Ranger Stacie]

I have taken back a cheater, but it didnt work out. I didnt trust him anymore and kept comparing myself to the other chic.

 

[AlleyCat]

The situation is a thousand billion times more complicated at the moment, and I think a major part of why I am still with him is that I have confided certain things to him that I never thought I would divulge to anyone, and if he leaves, then who will help me with those problems?

I know that sounds hella vague but, well, this IS an internet forum after all.

 

[lengy]

What you need is a best friend or someone else to confide in. Do you have friends you can talk to? I believe it's infinitely more difficult to get over someone without support from your friends. Cause that feeling of isolation and loneliness can be overbearing.

 

[grk_styl]

Fine.

You know what I'm sick of hearing that "once a cheater, always a cheater". it's not fucking true in every case.

I've done it. Once. Only once and never fucking again. Cause it was a mistake and I learnt my lesson.

I don't care if you crucify me or whatever but again every situation is different and every person is different. If you've never been in the situation, don't give advice.

ok hun, I often hold on back on posting in L&R for this reason...I think I need to write "in my opinion" ten thousand times over every time I post. I think I only said that once.

Let me say it again, IN MY OPINION, "once a cheater always a cheater"....for those who cheat when they're with me.

I understand that every situation is different. Yours is different, Alley's is different etc etc. But I'm just saying PERSONALLY, that I wouldn't take him back if he cheated on ME. Alley did, after all, ask for our opinions.

The situation is a thousand billion times more complicated at the moment, and I think a major part of why I am still with him is that I have confided certain things to him that I never thought I would divulge to anyone, and if he leaves, then who will help me with those problems?

I know that sounds hella vague but, well, this IS an internet forum after all.

Can i just say that don't ever think you can't do better. My boyfriend stayed with his cheating ex because he thought he couldn't do better. It's terrible.

I'm not suggesting you think this way, but just giving my 5c of advice. You (obviously) don't have to take it.

 

[Tulipa]

I think if you post here enough then you should know not to make blanket statements like that.

 

[nwatts]

ok hun, I often hold on back on posting in L&R for this reason...I think I need to write "in my opinion" ten thousand times over every time I post. I think I only said that once.

Let me say it again, IN MY OPINION, "once a cheater always a cheater"....for those who cheat when they're with me.

I understand that every situation is different. Yours is different, Alley's is different etc etc. But I'm just saying PERSONALLY, that I wouldn't take him back if he cheated on ME. Alley did, after all, ask for our opinions.


Can i just say that don't ever think you can't do better. My boyfriend stayed with his cheating ex because he thought he couldn't do better. It's terrible.

I'm not suggesting you think this way, but just giving my 5c of advice. You (obviously) don't have to take it.

that doesn't mean your opinion isn't fucking stupid. further, it serves to discredit your entire character for holding an opinion so generalised and unfounded. i don't care whether you're trying to convince the masses or simply give your 5c of advice, to make a comment like "once a cheater always a cheater" is ridiculous. if you have a phd in whatever and have specifically studied the behaviour patterns of people who cheat then you wouldn't be sprouting such shit. but you don't, so shut up. follow your own instincts and hold back on posting more often.

 

[grk_styl]

thanks for your opinion, luv. and if you think you've never generalised in your life, then here's 10 points.

and the thread starter asked for mine. that being said, my opinion is that once a cheater always a cheater. My second instinct would be to ask why he did it.

everyone's opinion is guided by their experiences. obviously you're opinion is guided by your own.

 

[flipsyde]

1. How long I'd been with them.
2. Had they done it before.
3. Was it premeditated.
4. How far did they go.
5. Were there any deep feelings involved.
etc

agreed. If it was a kiss that meant nothing, and that kiss was a peck... whilst its inappropriate to do that, and I would be EXTREMELY angry and upset about it... its nothing to dump them over. Unless they're like that and they've done it before to me and it meant something.

There are conditionals...like the ones WAF listed^

People DO make mistakes, but ones such as sleeping with someone... thats not a mistake. Giving someone a peck, may not in itself be a mistake, but it is something that can be interpreted as a friendship kiss, if it meant nothing. To be honest, I wouldn't know what to do. After some thinking time I'd probably decide on a temporary break-up and they'd have to REALLY try and work on making the relationship[ work, and proove to me that it would....THEN perhaps I would consider it.

1- Irrelevant to the situation

2- Yes relevant- because whilst I believe once a cheater always a cheater, I also believe that everyone (depending on how badly they cheated - Sex is definately a no) deserves a second chance and people make mistakes.

3- This is a big factor because if it was pre-empted then that means that it was going to mean something and in itself it was going to be a mistake.

4- as Ive stated before kiss (depending on degree- forgiveable sex-not forgiveable)

5- agreed

 

[thejosiekiller]

i dont think the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater" is unfounded despite it coming across as a bit of a generalised statement. people shouldnt lash out at it or the people who use it just because it seems narrow minded and over simplified

people have different approaches to building trust before we even fathom forgiving someone for breaking that trust, which in all likelihood was very hard to gain in the first place.

that being said alley- i dont feel you should be put in the place to have doubts about whether taking him back makes u a fool. that in my opinion is even more insult ontop of the original mistake. but if you can forgive him, then he better appreciate the love you have for him. otherwise hes a douche for trampling over your feelings

 

[AlleyCat]

Well I guess the main difference with me than with certain other people is that I don't really see sex as the be all and end all.

I have been in open relationships before that worked, and as long as everyone is careful and trusting, I really don't see a problem if that is what both parties have agreed to.

The difference with my current relationship that I was torn up about is that we didn't have an open relationship, and there have been plenty of times where I have had the opportunity (and the inclination) to cheat, but I did not take it.

So that's why I took him back. Because it was just sex.

 

[jumb]

You're messed up.

 

[Sprinkles~]

I would never take back a cheater, I have a hard enough time trusting anyone without them betraying me

 

[White-Doggy]

The situation is a thousand billion times more complicated at the moment, and I think a major part of why I am still with him is that I have confided certain things to him that I never thought I would divulge to anyone, and if he leaves, then who will help me with those problems?

I know that sounds hella vague but, well, this IS an internet forum after all.

Its not ur fault from start to now. never. Ur doing what u believe was right, the way u felt. Philosophy of life comes to say, do things u wont regret in the future and atm ur heart, mind and soul follows the idea of staying with him. Dont be ashamed of the way u feel =]

It also seems ur emotionally dependant upon him as he exerts love, care and warmth which all girls desire within a relationship.


To sum up, we cant always conclude once cheaters are always cheaters, AND we cant say cheaters wont cheat again. It all builds upon the foundation of their personality and how much they love u to stay with u.

atm its up to him to build the trust once more and for u to gain it.