Critique my AOS creative perhaps? (2 Viewers)

[Absolutezero]

SIX GUESTS VIEWING! U ALL DUMB AS FUCK IF YOU PLAGIARISE THIS! srs.

Dude, chill. There's always guests viewing pages.

 

[hayabusaboston]

Dude, chill. There's always guests viewing pages.

AZ, have pity upon such a failure of an analytical english student :'(

Of all the english stuff ive put up here for advice, its ALWAYS been "This is weak response, no more than 10/15, you must change pretty much everything" and its understandable yet somewhat disheartening. *sigh*

 

[Frostbitten]

You use some good descriptive language and possess a very appropriate vocabulary for this type of writing, however it seems a bit too adventurous as far as Advanced English creatives go. My teachers (who are HSC markers) have told us not to do stories which are surrounding a very unrealistic event, in this case your little Slav and the KGB. They prefer occurrences which are closer to home in familiar environments which you can illustrate in depth the concept of belonging or not belonging, where you can likely draw upon emotions the audience will most likely have experienced in their lives.

Also, given the nature of the story, it might be quite difficult to mould it to the given stimulus. Just something to think about so it is easier for you.

You certainly have the potential, point it in the right direction and you can make this section your little bitch.

 

[Absolutezero]

AZ, have pity upon such a failure of an analytical english student :'(

Of all the english stuff ive put up here for advice, its ALWAYS been "This is weak response, no more than 10/15, you must change pretty much everything" and its understandable yet somewhat disheartening. *sigh*

Isn't it better to find out now though, rather than submit it an end up with that as a mark? Your language skills are fine. You just get bogged down in description, and lose track of the present plotline. Both are things you can fix between now and the HSC.

 

[hayabusaboston]

Isn't it better to find out now though, rather than submit it an end up with that as a mark? Your language skills are fine. You just get bogged down in description, and lose track of the present plotline. Both are things you can fix between now and the HSC.

You know whats weird? I just remembered something that happened to me a while ago. An entire selective school english faculty invited me into their room to hear out the results of a meeting they had to discuss my mark for a creative writing assessment task lol, meeting lasted for quite a while too. I ended up with 10/15, but the fact is, they all had to deliberate for so long HAHA. Idk why even... they told me I dont do enough description, so I began to write more vividly. Looks like I went too far eh?

 

[Absolutezero]

You know whats weird? I just remembered something that happened to me a while ago. An entire selective school english faculty invited me into their room to hear out the results of a meeting they had to discuss my mark for a creative writing assessment task lol, meeting lasted for quite a while too. I ended up with 10/15, but the fact is, they all had to deliberate for so long HAHA. Idk why even... they told me I dont do enough description, so I began to write more vividly. Looks like I went too far eh?

Could be the case.

Description is fine as long as it's relevant. If you could cut it from the story without greatly impacting the reader, then it's overboard. Less is best.

 

[hayabusaboston]

Could be the case.

Description is fine as long as it's relevant. If you could cut it from the story without greatly impacting the reader, then it's overboard. Less is best.

As einstein said, keep everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

 

[obliviousninja]

Just fix up your plot goes so slow, fix the cliche imagery.

 

[hayabusaboston]

FIXED SOME STUFF UP, is this better?

The eyes were green, cold and ruthless, yet precise and calculating. Strong Slavic features bred in the raging winters of Siberia and an iron body crafted through countless hours of labour in the unforgiving ice left a man with almost physical immortality, A titanium frame which seldom succumbed to pain or injury. Yet for all the grandiose physical power, Alexei Tomolov's mind was crippled by doubt and uncertainty. The recent death of his father had created a firestorm of controversy in the local branch of the KGB, and it was, in the words of his mother, “In his best interest” to fill up his father’s role as a regional controller, to carry on the legacy of his father’s work. But Alexei knew from the very beginning, he did not belong in the KGB.He had alternative plans in motion, and escape from Moscow was the number one prerogative.


After his father’s funeral, Alexei’s mother, Eva, had walked over to him briskly in a solemn state. He stared at her deep, sunken eyes, and a wave of utter sorrow swept over him. Sorrow that he was about to abandon such a caring, loving figure who had tended to his every waking whim since his first moments on this earth, and brought him up to the powerful man he was today. He had his life to owe to Eva.

“Moi syn, your father instructed me to tell you... “ She began. Alexei quickly interjected.

“Ja znayu, I understand. I have known for many years.” His tone was distant, unemotional.

“You must meet with the heads of the local branch tomorrow; you are the only one who is able to resolve the conflict.” She wasn’t brutally authoritative by any means, more requesting and sincere.

“You may go home son.” The ultimatum. There was nothing more to be said.

“I shall likely see you at home mother. Thank you for everything.” He said mechanically. Alexei then kissed her on the cheek and waved goodbye as he strode away rapidly to his waiting Mercedes Benz. Leaning on the door was a very tall man, dressed in dark grey attire. Nico, his closest friend.


“Alexei, my condolences. Forgive my inquiry, but are you still planning to go?” Nico spoke gruffly.



“Yes, they will be looking for me, it is not safe anymore Nico.” Alexei replied.



“But what about Natasha? The life you have with her? You’re willing to just throw that all away? Did you even tell her about what you are going to do? Does she know you’re leaving? What about your mother?"

Alexei knew he would bring this up.

“Christ Nico, I’m doing what I have to, I loved Natasha more than I could ever tell you, but she isn’t running from one of the most murderous organisations in the world. I have to go.” He shoved Nico aside, to Nico's great shock. Alexei ignited the engine and sped off immediately. He heard a shout from his open window, fading into the distance.

“Alexei, brother! I hope you know what you’re doing!” The ghostly words echoed in his mind.

As he pulled up to the futuristic mass of electronics, grids, glass, and above all, planes, he felt queasy approaching the parking bay of Domodevodo airport. He could smell the acrid fumes of jet fuel already. Overhead were enormous digital banners, brightly showcasing a lurid spectrum of colours apparently representing the newly opened shopping mall in the centre of the city, Malya Centrum. The gassy humming of the many planes taxiing around the runway were a loud reminder of the chemically fuelled metallic beast Alexei will be riding in. He closed his eyes and slammed the steering wheel with his fist. It was now or never.



He stepped out into the frosty air in his warm winter jacket and removed his two large suitcases from the boot. The satin covering was smooth to the touch, somewhat reassuring. He crossed the road to the big board detailing all features of the airport, and after some inspection found the car shipping department. His exotic, motorized beauty was coming with him, to the other side of the world.



After checking into his flight and registering his vehicle for shipping, Alexei was resting in the airport lounge, sipping a strong black coffee. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something. A face. Someone he knew? He looked up to see a woman at the Cafe, deliberating upon the assortment of fruity scrolls and pastries lying behind the glass on elegant white platters. He focused, trying to see what it was that caught his eye. That slender frame, and silky black hair, tied back in a ponytail resting on her shoulder... it couldn’t be. He put down his coffee and absent mindedly walked towards the Cafe, leaving his luggage back at his chair. As he came closer, he noticed the woman’s long, graceful legs, the legs of a veteran dancer and gymnast. Then it flashed. The glint of a silver gun. The woman quickly turned around, and Alexei’s heart stopped. It was Natasha.

 

[Menomaths]

Thanks for fixing up my creative, I really appreciate it.

 

[Absolutezero]

I've done a rough cut, using your old ending and the new text:

The recent death of his father had created a firestorm of controversy in the local branch of the KGB.

[Scene at the funeral that drives the plot forward]

Alexei’s mother, Eva, had walked over to him, slowly, but firmly. Her sunken eyes stared deep inside of him. He stared back, and in a moment of clarity felt utter sorrow for this old woman as she spoke.

“Moi syn, your father instructed me to tell you...”
“Ja znayu” he interjected. “I understand. I have known for many years mother”
“He would have wanted you to continue his work”

For all his grandiose physical power, his mind was crippled by doubt and uncertainty.

“I shall see you at home mother. Thank you for everything.” he kissed her cheek. A forced wave of uncertainty.

He strode away rapidly to his Mercedes Benz, resting in wait next to a tall man in grey attire. Nico. An old friend.

“Alexei… my condolences. Are you still planning to go?”
“Yes”
“But your wife”

[Scene where he makes up his mind for certain in the car. The reason to leave his wife and mother]

Alexei ignited the engine and sped off immediately. He heard a shout from his open window, fading into the distance.

“Alexei, brother! I hope you know what you’re doing!” The ghostly words echoed in his mind.
On the other side world, Alexei stepped off his plane into the frosty air in his warm winter jacket.

[quick scene of how he establishes a new life]

Living in the pleasant suburb of Epping, he owned a four story house with a sheer grandeur that shone high above the rest of the houses in Wingrove Avenue. Having a large garden and enormous rooms, the house seemed perfect for raising a family. Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life.





It's nowhere near perfect yet, because I wanted to avoid adding any text where possible. But it's got much more of a narrative: Funeral -> Decision -> New Location -> Regret and focuses on the plot.

 

[hayabusaboston]

Thanks for fixing up my creative, I really appreciate it.

everything I write online I publish first on my website, so I'll always have proof I wrote it first, if anyone accuses me of plagiarism of my own work lol
Otherwise I dont really care if people use my story for their exams.

 

[hayabusaboston]

I've done a rough cut, using your old ending and the new text:

The recent death of his father had created a firestorm of controversy in the local branch of the KGB.

[Scene at the funeral that drives the plot forward]

Alexei’s mother, Eva, had walked over to him, slowly, but firmly. Her sunken eyes stared deep inside of him. He stared back, and in a moment of clarity felt utter sorrow for this old woman as she spoke.

“Moi syn, your father instructed me to tell you...”
“Ja znayu” he interjected. “I understand. I have known for many years mother”
“He would have wanted you to continue his work”

For all his grandiose physical power, his mind was crippled by doubt and uncertainty.

“I shall see you at home mother. Thank you for everything.” he kissed her cheek. A forced wave of uncertainty.

He strode away rapidly to his Mercedes Benz, resting in wait next to a tall man in grey attire. Nico. An old friend.

“Alexei… my condolences. Are you still planning to go?”
“Yes”
“But your wife”

[Scene where he makes up his mind for certain in the car. The reason to leave his wife and mother]

Alexei ignited the engine and sped off immediately. He heard a shout from his open window, fading into the distance.

“Alexei, brother! I hope you know what you’re doing!” The ghostly words echoed in his mind.
On the other side world, Alexei stepped off his plane into the frosty air in his warm winter jacket.

[quick scene of how he establishes a new life]

Living in the pleasant suburb of Epping, he owned a four story house with a sheer grandeur that shone high above the rest of the houses in Wingrove Avenue. Having a large garden and enormous rooms, the house seemed perfect for raising a family. Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life.





It's nowhere near perfect yet, because I wanted to avoid adding any text where possible. But it's got much more of a narrative: Funeral -> Decision -> New Location -> Regret and focuses on the plot.

Does this mean, its not perfect DUE TO your lack of text, and thus WOULD be perfect if you added some text?

 

[Absolutezero]

Does this mean, its not perfect DUE TO your lack of text, and thus WOULD be perfect if you added some text?

And rearranged some text, and changed some details, and deleted some text, and a few more things; of course.

 

[hayabusaboston]

I've done a rough cut, using your old ending and the new text:

The recent death of his father had created a firestorm of controversy in the local branch of the KGB.

[Scene at the funeral that drives the plot forward]

Alexei’s mother, Eva, had walked over to him, slowly, but firmly. Her sunken eyes stared deep inside of him. He stared back, and in a moment of clarity felt utter sorrow for this old woman as she spoke.

“Moi syn, your father instructed me to tell you...”
“Ja znayu” he interjected. “I understand. I have known for many years mother”
“He would have wanted you to continue his work”

For all his grandiose physical power, his mind was crippled by doubt and uncertainty.

“I shall see you at home mother. Thank you for everything.” he kissed her cheek. A forced wave of uncertainty.

He strode away rapidly to his Mercedes Benz, resting in wait next to a tall man in grey attire. Nico. An old friend.

“Alexei… my condolences. Are you still planning to go?”
“Yes”
“But your wife”

[Scene where he makes up his mind for certain in the car. The reason to leave his wife and mother]

Alexei ignited the engine and sped off immediately. He heard a shout from his open window, fading into the distance.

“Alexei, brother! I hope you know what you’re doing!” The ghostly words echoed in his mind.
On the other side world, Alexei stepped off his plane into the frosty air in his warm winter jacket.

[quick scene of how he establishes a new life]

Living in the pleasant suburb of Epping, he owned a four story house with a sheer grandeur that shone high above the rest of the houses in Wingrove Avenue. Having a large garden and enormous rooms, the house seemed perfect for raising a family. Living alone in such an enormous house ranked as one of the greater disappointments of his life.





It's nowhere near perfect yet, because I wanted to avoid adding any text where possible. But it's got much more of a narrative: Funeral -> Decision -> New Location -> Regret and focuses on the plot.

aint it a REALLY bad idea to extend stuff over long time periods? This is pretty concise innit? I made minor changes a second ago, it is legit like, all happening in a couple of hours. Having new life in Sydney and all that doesnt sound like something markers would like....then again i have no idea lol, just recalling what ive heard from so many teachers and peeps, short timeframes are best.

 

[Absolutezero]

aint it a REALLY bad idea to extend stuff over long time periods? This is pretty concise innit? I made minor changes a second ago, it is legit like, all happening in a couple of hours. Having new life in Sydney and all that doesnt sound like something markers would like....then again i have no idea lol, just recalling what ive heard from so many teachers and peeps, short timeframes are best.

The main reason to avoid long timelines is because students start to detail what happened at every stage, which then ends up lacking any sort of depth. Doing it with time jumps, like I proposed, eliminates that problem. They're not inherently bad.

You could shrink the timeline, but your second version didn't work anyway, so I picked the stronger ending of the two and went with it.