Hey please read my essay and comment (1 Viewer)

[nick1048]

I wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't of read his response to critisicm. You don't post your essay on BoS if you are unwilling to have it shreaded. It's not as though people are making the usual troll comments. The advice given is actually solid and justified.

My apologies extend only to the people who bothered to read this essay and identify relevant flaws.

 

[Mountain.Dew]

I wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't of read his response to critisicm. You don't post your essay on BoS if you are unwilling to have it shreaded. It's not as though people are making the usual troll comments. The advice given is actually solid and justified.

My apologies extend only to the people who bothered to read this essay and identify relevant flaws.

advice given...solid and justified? its going a bit too far isnt it?

of course, be harsh if u have 2, but at least tell him where he can improve. he is not here to be bagged out by people just because his essay writing skills arent as good as some people, who have already completed the HSC. i thought these HSC forums was for help and assistance, and i think that "what a wank" is not "solid" or "justified" at all.

perhaps a year or two ago, YOUR essay writing skills where like lilsxcwog69.

 

[nwatts]

advice given...solid and justified? its going a bit too far isnt it?

No. My advice was sound, as was Rafy's and hopeles5ly's. With the content in this thread, a capable essay writer could easily pull a 15/15 for an AOS response.

of course, be harsh if u have 2, but at least tell him where he can improve. he is not here to be bagged out by people just because his essay writing skills arent as good as some people, who have already completed the HSC. i thought these HSC forums was for help and assistance, and i think that "what a wank" is not "solid" or "justified" at all.

People didn't rip the shit out of this guy because his essay sucked, they responded to how he reacted to people's criticism. I would defend anyone who's being attacked because of poor skills, if they have a willingness to improve. This case is someone who needs improvement attacking those trying to help him. "What a wank" is a perfect description.

 

[Mountain.Dew]

No. My advice was sound, as was Rafy's and hopeles5ly's. With the content in this thread, a capable essay writer could easily pull a 15/15 for an AOS response.

your comments were perfectly fine. i have nothing against them.

People didn't rip the shit out of this guy because his essay sucked, they responded to how he reacted to people's criticism. I would defend anyone who's being attacked because of poor skills, if they have a willingness to improve. This case is someone who needs improvement attacking those trying to help him. "What a wank" is a perfect description.

didnt lilsxcwog69 apologise before in this thread? or is his apology not enough?

 

[beabenn]

The journey leads to greater understanding *snore....*
Such a popular question, I reckon it is quite easy
Basically what the 05ers have suggested are valid. It is important if you want to get 14-15 to develop a THESIS and the best way to develop one is to define the terms ie what does "greater understanding" actually mean? Once you define it, you can easily evaluate each text on the basis of your defintion
For example greater understanding could mean renewed knowledge about oneself and the world around him or something like that...
Furthermore, nwatt's comment on verbosity is true.
There is actually 4 steps to become more concise and sophisicated yet still remaining within the scope of the question. These 4 steps is what I actually use all the time (last year) and since it is quite original, I don't like sharing it out in the open so PM if you want further info. I am also happy to answer anty other questions

TEXTS STUDIED IN 2005:
Physical journeys (skzrynecki)
HAMlet and r+g
Cloudstreet (very litte advice on this text on BOS last year)
Frontline
EE1 Crime fiction

 

[hopeles5ly]

The journey leads to greater understanding *snore....*
Such a popular question, I reckon it is quite easy
Basically what the 05ers have suggested are valid. It is important if you want to get 14-15 to develop a THESIS and the best way to develop one is to define the terms ie what does "greater understanding" actually mean? Once you define it, you can easily evaluate each text on the basis of your defintion
For example greater understanding could mean renewed knowledge about oneself and the world around him or something like that...
Furthermore, nwatt's comment on verbosity is true.
There is actually 4 steps to become more concise and sophisicated yet still remaining within the scope of the question. These 4 steps is what I actually use all the time (last year) and since it is quite original, I don't like sharing it out in the open so PM if you want further info. I am also happy to answer anty other questions

TEXTS STUDIED IN 2005:
Physical journeys (skzrynecki)
HAMlet and r+g
Cloudstreet (very litte advice on this text on BOS last year)
Frontline
EE1 Crime fiction

it would be so good to get that question for this yrs paper ! =]`

 

[Riviet]

Dream on dennis... they're never going to repeat a question!

The most you could hope for is something simple and easy.

 

[hopeles5ly]

Dream on dennis... they're never going to repeat a question!

The most you could hope for is something simple and easy.

yes i know that ! sighz you just had to reck the moment didn't you ><"

 

[Mountain.Dew]

Dream on dennis... they're never going to repeat a question!

The most you could hope for is something simple and easy.

mmmmm i bet my 2 cents P) that the essay topic will be easy --> it will only be worded in a weird way to put people off, but really, the underlying implied question is similar every year.

 

[lilsxcwog69]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

Yeh youve made it clearer - thanks


And for those resorting to offensive language, I have one thing to say:

Not once did I use such harsh words as "wank" and yes I did apologise so for those willing to expand this problem I say you're really bored and bothered with yourselves

 

[silvermoon]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

Dream on dennis... they're never going to repeat a question!

The most you could hope for is something simple and easy.

well, actually, that's a matter of opinion really. Many people regard the AOS essay question as mostly unchanging --> if you look over past papers you'll find that there are really only 3 or 4 questions at most that they've asked. Sure, they may find different ways to dress up and word the question each year, but as the same question has to be applicable to everyone doing jouneys, whether they're doing physical, inner or imaginative journeys AND it has to be able to be answered equally well regardless of which core text faculties have chosen. This means, therefore, that there really isn't much variation from the core questions able to be made, so chances are that yes, they will ask the "same" easy questions again

 

[lilsxcwog69]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

Ive revamped my essay from scratch.

Ive tried to make the essay as a whole more <i>choesive and clear </i> leaving out all the verbose comments I made.

 

[Mountain.Dew]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

mate, i think u still havent answered the question thoroughly enough.

there is a good thing --> its good some deep thoughts in it as well. each paragraphs stands in its own rights as "good".

BUT u must relate all the stuff u came to conclusions with IN ur paragraph with what ur main argument is in the beginning. i presume from ur newly edited essay that ur argument is that it is the journey is a medium for growth and development THROUGH past experiences and reflections. <-- must demonstrate in ur body paragraphs what u have concluded IN those paragraphs answers/supports ur argument set out in ur introduction.

another biggy --> still need some more work on ur analysis. its not sophisticated enough. its good that u have terms like a "plethora of techniques" and "use of enjambment", but u have to go a little bit deeper as well. i want to see more quotes --> i want to actually see you ANALYSE THOSE QUOTES rather than adding them as a passing comment. something like "the conversational tone Atwood employs when she says "<blah>" suggests that journeys involve self-reflection, the need to constantly beware of themselves and their surroundings, another learning process that is gifted to us from journeys" --> something like that.

theres a lot of good stuff there, but its not enough. USE what u have written before AND GO FURTHER to answer the question.

 

[lilsxcwog69]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

Thanks for that analysis Mounatin Dew

I understand what you mean and I will remedy the areas of my essay that need work as soon as possible.

When I went about writing the second draft i began planning the essay by defining the greater understanding (self discovery,greater awarness and new ideas on things/concepts) then integrated my texts into each of the three points.

Do you recommend I rewrite the essay from scratch or fix up the errors you have pointed out in your most previous post?

Thanks for your help !

 

[Mountain.Dew]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

Thanks for that analysis Mounatin Dew

I understand what you mean and I will remedy the areas of my essay that need work as soon as possible.

When I went about writing the second draft i began planning the essay by defining the greater understanding (self discovery,greater awarness and new ideas on things/concepts) then integrated my texts into each of the three points.

Do you recommend I rewrite the essay from scratch or fix up the errors you have pointed out in your most previous post?

Thanks for your help !

thank you, lilsxcwog69.

i recommend that u rewrite the essay from scratch, but dont delete all ur work --> keep ur main points uve raised in the texts intact, because it is through these points uve discussed in ur paragraphs that would help you answer ur main argument. what u need work on is supporting ur main points that uve discussed in ur paragraphs with a better form of analysis.

hope it helps, M.D.

 

[lilsxcwog69]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

So you think a deeper analysis of techniques for each text would be beneficial to the quality of my essay?

 

[Mountain.Dew]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

So you think a deeper analysis of techniques for each text would be beneficial to the quality of my essay?

of course. but u dont have to analyse everything --> only analyse the stuff in the text that will help you support ur argument. so, quality over quantity, always.

 

[lilsxcwog69]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

I got the essay back and recieved a mark of 10/15 (suprised it was that high)

Anways the teacher's comment was as follows:

You cover the basic elements of each texts and their connections to journeys quite clearly. You need to use the language of the question more throughout the body of your essay AND go into more depth when analysing the language techniques used.

 

[Mountain.Dew]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

I got the essay back and recieved a mark of 10/15 (suprised it was that high)

Anways the teacher's comment was as follows:

You cover the basic elements of each texts and their connections to journeys quite clearly. You need to use the language of the question more throughout the body of your essay AND go into more depth when analysing the language techniques used.

agreed wholeheartedly. always room for more improvement!

 

[Riviet]

Re: Hey ready my essay and comment

Hey not bad, 10's a B, keep it up! There's next time to improve on.