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Today, I have rediscovered the meaning of “observation”, the identity I crafted for myself when I was at my best. The self that stared off into space, and did so guilt free of the fact that I was ‘wasting time’, simply because my emotions were at their highest, and I wanted to bask in the glory of life’s experiences - whatever came my way.
The best way I can even hope to articulate how I managed to get my emotions back is as follows:
Today, I woke up at noon, realising that I’m only a week away from turning 19, and that even though I’m closer than ever to embodying “the ideal” (I want to become a type of person who I made up in my head as “the ideal”, since they are capable of having the best life in human history, and live life from the perspective of the main character.), I still don’t have the will to take over the world. I don’t have the will for anything.
I thought that if I watched Dr Stone (a nostalgic anime for me), maybe I would have been inspired again, since I might have simply forgotten what it is that made me want to learn *everything* in the first place when I first watched that show.
As it turns out, it wasn’t a lack of memory, but a lack of emotion, still.
I was still numb, I was just numb to the numbness itself now at this point.
I left the house, and it was raining, so I just sat down, staring at the wet floor.
Something about doing that, as the environment was clearly busy around me despite the lack of people, made me remember that I had to become more sensitive to life’s experiences if I wanted to find my dream.
I thought back, as I sat there alone, wondering what it is the way I felt 5 years ago. I actually forgot, and of course, even though it should have scared me, I couldn’t feel scared since I couldn’t feel anything.
But I devoted myself this entire time, even when I completely lost my emotions, 2 years ago now, towards bringing back my emotions and potential from the time I was 14.
Then I realised something.
Something that caused a chain reaction inside of me.
I have been doing this for 5 years now, and still, nothing has changed. If anything, it has only gotten worse.
I learnt so much, but figured out nothing.
I know nothing.
I’m a complete fool to think that I’ll ever find a solution by simply thinking it through.
I’ve been doing nothing but thinking this whole time, all so I could do something, but I could have just instead done things anyways, and at the very least, my emotional decline would have been slowed down, and I could have had a name for myself, even if it was fake.
That’s when I quickly decided that I would as quickly as possible, before I turned 19, I would get back my emotions through a method other than problem solving.
I didn’t know what that method could be, but I remembered back to what Sadhguru said, “your intellect is a cutting instrument.”.
Then I thought of the same 5 years being wasted again to myself, “I’ve been dissecting everything everyday, and even though I have become a super genius, all I ever do is dissect… what a waste of time. What a waste of life.”.
That’s when I finally stopped thinking, and looked around me.
My eyes widened.
I realised that I’ve been dissecting problems in my mind, even while looking at anything unrelated. And even for the things that are related, I dissected them also, in hopes of initiation immersion, but that breaks immersion ironically.
And because of THIS realisation, was I able to see the trees, the water, the sound, the air, the sensations… TRULY see them, for what they are.
I understand now what Sadhguru means when he says, “There is so much going on all the time. Everything is a miracle.”.
I took it all in, and I was “observing”.
That’s when I remembered the name I gave myself when I was 14 that I had forgotten this whole time, the final piece to the puzzle:
“I’m an observer.”
That’s who I am. I live, not as myself, but the things I go through, whether as a bi-stander or a main character.
I then wondered if I could hold this level of immersion while daydreaming. After all, that type of thought is creative, creation, not intellectual, deconstructive.
Sure enough, it worked.
I imagined a princess who was on the run in a cloak in the rain. And as she was wondering around, she found me at the house, and glanced at my eyes.
She realised that I was a profit of legend, and asked me if I knew of the legend.
I was interested in the unique encounter, but I had no idea what she was talking about, or who she was.
I thought she was pretty, and that she seems very nice. The personality and physical characteristics of an angel.
She eventually lead onto convincing me to join her on her journey towards growing the strength necessary to survive while being hunted by the enemies who overthrew her father, the king’s, empire.
And thus, we go on an adventure across the world’s harshest terrains in search of people of greater power who can also be of help.
We climb mountains, traverse the vast deserts, navigate through the jungles, and sail the seas.
That’s when I realised my first desire that I had already known of logically, but hadn’t realised emotionally in a long time:
Adventure.
I want to go on an adventure.
It’s not that I have a reason for being alive or a purpose. I simply exist, and that’s all there is to it.
And I want to experience a legendary life, not a mediocre one.
I want an actual story to be apart of, rather than watch it from afar or get a slight glimpse of and no end up becoming apart of it in the end.
I went back inside, and articulated my findings to my mother. She didn’t understand my issues before, but now that my issues are over, she knows exactly what I’ve been through this whole time.
And she responded perfectly by moving on quickly, and helping me realise how I can start my adventure, rather than simply “waiting it out till something I can latch onto” appears.
And that’s to force myself into enough situations, while in this emotional state, whether it may be first hand or second hand, to inspire me enough for me to call it my dream to obtain the ideal version of that same or similar experience.
I then thought back to my future wife, and I realised that I could finally love her again.
So, I imagined myself relaxing on the couch, next to her.
We didn’t say anything to each other as I literally sat there, but I acted out resting my head on her shoulder, and naturally without me forcing it in my head, she slowly and warmly rested her head on my head, and we just felt each other’s warmth as we observed the sensations of each other, and the visual feedback of the still room.
This warmth… was what I have been in search for this whole time. And it’s back.
I was worried that a week wasn’t enough time to fix myself, but as it turns out, all I needed was 5 minutes after that realisation.
It’s now 2:41AM, and the emotions have only become stronger, not weaker.
Even when I’ve done all the cardinal sins of watching anime, eating junkfood, and *cough cough* did a jack, my emotions are still here.
I don’t feel guilty for doing that last part, but I do realise how stupid it is to do so.
After enduring in my lust, I decided to purify my thoughts by flipping my lust to love, and I did this by imagining myself hugging all those girls, one by one, in normal clothes, with that same warmth I felt earlier in the day.
Finally, all that was left was my future wife to hug, the embodiment of them all and many more. And I hugged her as she showed a relieved and calm expression, as she whispered in my ear, “you did it.”.
I then put on my old music playlist and early songs of the “Songs of the world - [ Blank]” playlist, and the entire time I have felt nothing but good feelings while in imaginative flows.
Simply NOT dissecting things, and creating things instead, is helping me experience things without the need for actually getting off my ass. Of course, that makes me not feeling like doing anything, but once I find something that I want to do, I don’t think I’ll do anything else other than daydreaming at the same time.
Honestly, that’s what I did all my life pre-depression.
And now, it’s safe to say that I’m finally in the post-depression stage of my life!!!
I am in so much love.
I’m happy and at peace.
Hmmm… I wonder what I have to go through in order to realise my bliss, let alone activate ecstasy at will?
I haven’t found what I want to do with absoluteness quiet yet, but I’m getting there.
I’ll probably find out what it is tomorrow, and then I can start my adventure!!!
PS, psychology and philosophy is bullshizzz, if you haven’t noticed from what I’m telling you - I’ve mastered the subjects in my daily desperate attempts, and they are actually apart of the problem of “wasting my time and wasting my life.”.
Please, any of you who have the will to read all of this, stop making problems for yourself that you have to solve, and just move on and simply choose what it is you want. Of course, if you don’t know what you want because you’re lacking sensitivity as I have, realise what it means to observe without intention, and take in experiences for what they are! That way, as you endulge in ANYTHING, even if it’s the same thing you’ve always done, at least it’s of a higher intensity. And who knows, maybe you’ll find what you want from something that’s been right under your nose this whole time!
The best way I can even hope to articulate how I managed to get my emotions back is as follows:
Today, I woke up at noon, realising that I’m only a week away from turning 19, and that even though I’m closer than ever to embodying “the ideal” (I want to become a type of person who I made up in my head as “the ideal”, since they are capable of having the best life in human history, and live life from the perspective of the main character.), I still don’t have the will to take over the world. I don’t have the will for anything.
I thought that if I watched Dr Stone (a nostalgic anime for me), maybe I would have been inspired again, since I might have simply forgotten what it is that made me want to learn *everything* in the first place when I first watched that show.
As it turns out, it wasn’t a lack of memory, but a lack of emotion, still.
I was still numb, I was just numb to the numbness itself now at this point.
I left the house, and it was raining, so I just sat down, staring at the wet floor.
Something about doing that, as the environment was clearly busy around me despite the lack of people, made me remember that I had to become more sensitive to life’s experiences if I wanted to find my dream.
I thought back, as I sat there alone, wondering what it is the way I felt 5 years ago. I actually forgot, and of course, even though it should have scared me, I couldn’t feel scared since I couldn’t feel anything.
But I devoted myself this entire time, even when I completely lost my emotions, 2 years ago now, towards bringing back my emotions and potential from the time I was 14.
Then I realised something.
Something that caused a chain reaction inside of me.
I have been doing this for 5 years now, and still, nothing has changed. If anything, it has only gotten worse.
I learnt so much, but figured out nothing.
I know nothing.
I’m a complete fool to think that I’ll ever find a solution by simply thinking it through.
I’ve been doing nothing but thinking this whole time, all so I could do something, but I could have just instead done things anyways, and at the very least, my emotional decline would have been slowed down, and I could have had a name for myself, even if it was fake.
That’s when I quickly decided that I would as quickly as possible, before I turned 19, I would get back my emotions through a method other than problem solving.
I didn’t know what that method could be, but I remembered back to what Sadhguru said, “your intellect is a cutting instrument.”.
Then I thought of the same 5 years being wasted again to myself, “I’ve been dissecting everything everyday, and even though I have become a super genius, all I ever do is dissect… what a waste of time. What a waste of life.”.
That’s when I finally stopped thinking, and looked around me.
My eyes widened.
I realised that I’ve been dissecting problems in my mind, even while looking at anything unrelated. And even for the things that are related, I dissected them also, in hopes of initiation immersion, but that breaks immersion ironically.
And because of THIS realisation, was I able to see the trees, the water, the sound, the air, the sensations… TRULY see them, for what they are.
I understand now what Sadhguru means when he says, “There is so much going on all the time. Everything is a miracle.”.
I took it all in, and I was “observing”.
That’s when I remembered the name I gave myself when I was 14 that I had forgotten this whole time, the final piece to the puzzle:
“I’m an observer.”
That’s who I am. I live, not as myself, but the things I go through, whether as a bi-stander or a main character.
I then wondered if I could hold this level of immersion while daydreaming. After all, that type of thought is creative, creation, not intellectual, deconstructive.
Sure enough, it worked.
I imagined a princess who was on the run in a cloak in the rain. And as she was wondering around, she found me at the house, and glanced at my eyes.
She realised that I was a profit of legend, and asked me if I knew of the legend.
I was interested in the unique encounter, but I had no idea what she was talking about, or who she was.
I thought she was pretty, and that she seems very nice. The personality and physical characteristics of an angel.
She eventually lead onto convincing me to join her on her journey towards growing the strength necessary to survive while being hunted by the enemies who overthrew her father, the king’s, empire.
And thus, we go on an adventure across the world’s harshest terrains in search of people of greater power who can also be of help.
We climb mountains, traverse the vast deserts, navigate through the jungles, and sail the seas.
That’s when I realised my first desire that I had already known of logically, but hadn’t realised emotionally in a long time:
Adventure.
I want to go on an adventure.
It’s not that I have a reason for being alive or a purpose. I simply exist, and that’s all there is to it.
And I want to experience a legendary life, not a mediocre one.
I want an actual story to be apart of, rather than watch it from afar or get a slight glimpse of and no end up becoming apart of it in the end.
I went back inside, and articulated my findings to my mother. She didn’t understand my issues before, but now that my issues are over, she knows exactly what I’ve been through this whole time.
And she responded perfectly by moving on quickly, and helping me realise how I can start my adventure, rather than simply “waiting it out till something I can latch onto” appears.
And that’s to force myself into enough situations, while in this emotional state, whether it may be first hand or second hand, to inspire me enough for me to call it my dream to obtain the ideal version of that same or similar experience.
I then thought back to my future wife, and I realised that I could finally love her again.
So, I imagined myself relaxing on the couch, next to her.
We didn’t say anything to each other as I literally sat there, but I acted out resting my head on her shoulder, and naturally without me forcing it in my head, she slowly and warmly rested her head on my head, and we just felt each other’s warmth as we observed the sensations of each other, and the visual feedback of the still room.
This warmth… was what I have been in search for this whole time. And it’s back.
I was worried that a week wasn’t enough time to fix myself, but as it turns out, all I needed was 5 minutes after that realisation.
It’s now 2:41AM, and the emotions have only become stronger, not weaker.
Even when I’ve done all the cardinal sins of watching anime, eating junkfood, and *cough cough* did a jack, my emotions are still here.
I don’t feel guilty for doing that last part, but I do realise how stupid it is to do so.
After enduring in my lust, I decided to purify my thoughts by flipping my lust to love, and I did this by imagining myself hugging all those girls, one by one, in normal clothes, with that same warmth I felt earlier in the day.
Finally, all that was left was my future wife to hug, the embodiment of them all and many more. And I hugged her as she showed a relieved and calm expression, as she whispered in my ear, “you did it.”.
I then put on my old music playlist and early songs of the “Songs of the world - [ Blank]” playlist, and the entire time I have felt nothing but good feelings while in imaginative flows.
Simply NOT dissecting things, and creating things instead, is helping me experience things without the need for actually getting off my ass. Of course, that makes me not feeling like doing anything, but once I find something that I want to do, I don’t think I’ll do anything else other than daydreaming at the same time.
Honestly, that’s what I did all my life pre-depression.
And now, it’s safe to say that I’m finally in the post-depression stage of my life!!!
I am in so much love.
I’m happy and at peace.
Hmmm… I wonder what I have to go through in order to realise my bliss, let alone activate ecstasy at will?
I haven’t found what I want to do with absoluteness quiet yet, but I’m getting there.
I’ll probably find out what it is tomorrow, and then I can start my adventure!!!
PS, psychology and philosophy is bullshizzz, if you haven’t noticed from what I’m telling you - I’ve mastered the subjects in my daily desperate attempts, and they are actually apart of the problem of “wasting my time and wasting my life.”.
Please, any of you who have the will to read all of this, stop making problems for yourself that you have to solve, and just move on and simply choose what it is you want. Of course, if you don’t know what you want because you’re lacking sensitivity as I have, realise what it means to observe without intention, and take in experiences for what they are! That way, as you endulge in ANYTHING, even if it’s the same thing you’ve always done, at least it’s of a higher intensity. And who knows, maybe you’ll find what you want from something that’s been right under your nose this whole time!
