Prisoner To Parents 'Love'. (1 Viewer)

[Ingoesout]

Well I'm truly not allowed to do ANYTHING I want. Honestly.
My parents list of no no's goes as follows:

No drinking
No drugs
No boyfriends
No going anywhere wthout prior permission
No sleep overs
No driving in cars with certain people
No holidays with friends
No doing anything you want to do.

Most of the time I'm cool with this as during uni time I live by my self (yeah...) and I've become quite the master of sneaking out with them being non the wiser when I'm at home.

What frustrates me is the fact that they think I'm still 8 rather than 18.

Infact when I was 8 i totally had more freedom. They older I get the more restrictive they get.

Now I'm very much capable of being independant, I work, I have my own money, lots of it. I pay my own rent when I'm at uni. But I have been suckered into owing them forever.

I'm spoilt.

They paid for my private school education (I had a scholarhsip, but not a full one) They paid for my first year or uni. They insist on paying for the rest of my university education, um... I have a house in my own name. No joke. 18th birthday prezzie was "Here, have a house"


I didn't want it. But dad has a need to provide and set me up so I don't suffer as he did.

So I really do owe them, big time, but as a result I wll never EVER be able to earn their respect and make them see me as an adult. Never.

Their view of parenting is "We look after you in return for respect"
Seriously, they have sacrificed EVERYTHING to give me a good life, they have no life of their own, so to rebel would be to kill them.

And respect means OBEYING them.. unconditionally.

What a conundrum.

I can't give back the house. And i can't refuse to let them pay for my uni education (i tried, it shat my dad to all hell and he called me an ingrate... he WANTS to pay for it. he NEEEEDS to pay for it, to feel needed)

Sigh... how do I earn their respect? ow do I make them see me as an individual?

Seriously, I'm responsible, intelligent, work hard, get good grades, have never gotten in major trouble with the police, I'm a steriotypical good daughter.

I'm smothered and getting nothing worth havin in return. Material things don't buy my love. I feel guilty and useless.

 

[kc-ok-la]

perhaps you should slowly and progressively dis-obey them in the areas you wish to,

and,

theyll slowly get used to it and while at the same time, you still do good in school, tell themw hat your doing and what not,
then progressively, they will let you do your thing

 

[chelsea girl]

if you have plenty of money and you are paying rent to them as it is, why not just move out?
yes, they will be cross at you for a while, but the only way to make them see that you have changed and grown up is by showing them. parents never, never, never listen to words.

i was in a bit of a similar situation when i was younger, in that my father was being too controlling and not allowing me to make my own decisions about how I wanted to fulfill myself and get enjoyment out of life. so i said bye bye, because i'd rather be without him than feel suffocated and anxious. it was messy, but if i hadn't done it i would be very overprotected and childish now.

 

[Ingoesout]

*sigh* god i feel like such a whinge.

the more i dissobey the more controlling they become, becuase it's always "You CANT be trusted, remember *list* "

And I can't move out completely. My dad simply said if I did he'd dissown me.

... :-(

And I don't want to be cut off. I do love my dad when were not arguing. It's fucked. I just want space and his respect.

 

[chelsea girl]

*sigh* god i feel like such a whinge.

the more i dissobey the more controlling they become, becuase it's always "You CANT be trusted, remember *list* "

And I can't move out completely. My dad simply said if I did he'd dissown me.

... :-(

And I don't want to be cut off. I do love my dad when were not arguing. It's fucked. I just want space and his respect.

look, your dad sounds like a bit of a dick. my dad "disowned" me, but everyone agrees that he's the one being a child and he's the one who has lost the most. if your parents are worth making an effort to maintain a relationship with, then they would not disown you for wanting to be an adult, which you now are. seriously.

 

[Ingoesout]

Hmm I've thoguht many a time of just up-and-leaving but honestly Id prefer a mutual understanding.

Considering the kind of person my dad can be think thats unrealistic?

Yes, the said it, No Bf's... um I'm basically Little Miss My-daddy-still-thinks-im-a-virgin.

They don't think i KNOW anything or want to know anything about that big bad scary world... i let them believe that.

Ugh, lies all lies. What have i gotten my self into.

 

[lengy]

I'd say there is no point to freedom if you're not going to fully utilise it. So if you intend on experiencing life as a relatively independent young adult you better start taking more initiate.

 

[SamTan*06*]

Well I'm truly not allowed to do ANYTHING I want. Honestly.
My parents list of no no's goes as follows:

No drinking
No drugs
No boyfriends
No going anywhere wthout prior permission
No sleep overs
No driving in cars with certain people
No holidays with friends
No doing anything you want to do.

My mum was like that untill I finished the HSC. Now I have almost total freedom (she still swears to kill me if I come home smashed)

Do you try and get you way?

 

[Ennaybur]

Well I'm truly not allowed to do ANYTHING I want. Honestly.
My parents list of no no's goes as follows:

No drinking
No drugs
No boyfriends
No going anywhere wthout prior permission
No sleep overs
No driving in cars with certain people
No holidays with friends
No doing anything you want to do.

Most of the time I'm cool with this as during uni time I live by my self (yeah...) and I've become quite the master of sneaking out with them being non the wiser when I'm at home.

no sleepovers??! and you're 18? AND at uni?

I can understand that u need to respect your parents, but they do need to respect you.. and that's just fucked.

So do you pay rent to them? you said they bought you a house... it seems like too many strings attatched, but I don't know what you can do.

It seems your dad is the one laying down the rules, can you talk to your mum?
have you tried talking it out with them? Obviously talking doesnt really completely change peoples outlooks most of the time, but how long do they expect this to last? until you're married and have a family or something?

 

[Dave2007]

You sound almost exactly like some of my friends. Although I suppose keeping a lid on kids so they do well while theyre under 18 in year 11/12 is a bit different to keeping it on going to such an extent after school....

Firslty i DONT think you should just rebel, move out etc... Put yourself in your parents shoes; all they have sacrificed over the years for you. I know what your feeling "I didnt ask for any of this! Id prefer them not to have gotten me X material posession but have freedom!" but just consider their feelings for a minute, theyd be crushed if you did something drastic.

Now what can you do to move into an "adult relationship" with your parents, for them to see you in a different light?

Well you said you havea job, a definite sign of monetary independence, but they still dont respect you so one possiblity is gone, and it tells a bit about the type of people they are.

The most safe plan is to sit them down and lay it all on the table; how you want some greater freedoms, but still love them not because of all theyve done for you, but because of who they are. And then gradually reason with them, become more independent etc... E.g. dont let the first boy you bring home be an islamic terrorist, make it someone nice + charming + religiously no sex-til-marriage. Make sure you DONT fall apart in the speaking part, dont let yourself be bulldozed, or at the same time becoming angry; they'll just see you as more of an irrational kid.

One thing that could work is "taking a year off to find yourself". I don't know if the course your doing lets you go overseas for a year on exchange/for studying, or maybe if you could work in a charitable gap program. But tell your parents you need to find yourself, take a year off, get some independence out in the world. This would accomplish alot; your parents would see what there missing with you gone, how youve become a more independent person, and youd get to have a mad time, and from what ive read theyd be the type to pay.

 

[^CoSMic DoRiS^^]

do your parents insist on paying all your uni fees? perhaps they might be open to sharing the cost with you, that way you can prove to them that you are old and responsible enough to live your own life without having to completely push them away and make them resentful. i understand why you feel that you owe them considering they did sacrifice a lot for you, but they need to understand that even though you appreciate what they do for you, you can't continue to allow yourself to be treated like a child forever. even though talking to them about it mightn't get you anywhere initially, at least if you tell them this straight up (in the nicest way possible of course) they will know that you feel smothered. As for the, um, rather ridiculous restrictions they've placed on you about boyfriends and your social life, well you live alone a lot so no worries there, but when you're with them...ok the no drugs and no cars thing i understand, but the rest of it: to be honest the only way you can solve the rest of it is to step up and be a little firm with them, something along the lines of "ok, i know you've provided for me my whole life and i'm grateful for it but i don't think it's fair that you stop me from doing normal everyday things in the name of respect or a sense of being owed something; everyone has a bofriend and drinks sooner or later, and i don't see why me doing these things is going to affect you or anything you've done for me. by the way, meet my new boyfriend tim." perhaps not those exact words but you get the drift. they have to know that they're not being reasonable.

 

[tempco]

Doesn't seem like theres any communication happening with you and your parents. Write up a list of things you want to address, and sit down and have a chat with them about them. Once tempers start flaring (which they eventually will), call it a day and continue at another time. Also accept the fact that for this to work, both parties will have to compromise.

 

[lordarthurxoxo]

are you asian as well? in that case, lose x2


otherwise work around all the don'ts and get trustworthy folks to cover up if necessary. in the meantime, find me parents that openly endorse drugs, drinking and std's.

 

[ybnormal]

parents that openly endorse drugs and alcohol? found them dunno their stance on stis tho.
oh, btw, ther not mine, but they account for about a third of my friends parents
i kid u not.

 

[banco55]

Tell your parents they live in Australia now and to get with the program.

 

[Davriel]

I've found a few methods quite useful to get out of your parents thumb.

1) Have an adult discussion with them.

2) When they forbid something that you really want to do, do it anyway right in front of them. When they yell at you, ask them how they'll stop you as they can't by law.

3) If they threaten you with punishments, the best response I've found is to threaten moving out with someone. The shock of losing a child may bring them to reality.

 

[Ennaybur]

are you asian as well? in that case, lose x2


otherwise work around all the don'ts and get trustworthy folks to cover up if necessary. in the meantime, find me parents that openly endorse drugs, drinking and std's.

yeh got that, minus the stds. but stds are obviously not healthy,.

 

[Season]

No drinking
No drugs
No boyfriends
No going anywhere wthout prior permission
No sleep overs
No driving in cars with certain people
No holidays with friends
No doing anything you want to do

And here I was thinking my parents were bad...

Try the whole 'adult' talk with them and if that doesn't work rebel slowly in small areas.

Walk to the shops and 'run into some friends' then hang out with them for a while.

Do something you really want to do, then tell them afterwards (I did this with hanging out with guys for a while).

sleep overs... you could say you have to do some major assessment task at a friend's house then at say 11:30 say you're too tired to come home and yeah stay the night. I dunno BE CREATIVE.

Test your limits slowly, and hopefully they'll stretch a bit.

If at the end of the day you're parents are still horrible then just know that you're an adult and you have enough money to be finacially independant at the end of the day so its your choice to stay there.

 

[Serius]

my parents were never like that, i have such a personality so that if they tried to 'control' me it would just end up bad for them.

I have always made bad taste jokes about things that would shock them, usually i keep playing the game for a few weeks to keep the funny e.g i got a girl pregnant, i got arrested for possesion of a class 3 controlled substance, iam gay [ pretty sure they still beleive that one, havent given them evidence to the contrary and its been a few years now lol]

I dont think ive ever asked my parents permision for anything, i tell them my plans and if they ask the hard questions i give them the answers casually [like when i was 14 if they asked if there was going to be drinking at a party i was going to i said yes and i planned on doing most of it] if they ask what time iam going to be home i say 4am

Ive never been seriously financially dependant on them, before i had a job i just didnt have much of a need for spending money, once i got a job most of it went to booze.

Basically if they started pulling some shit like your parents would do, they know that i would turn around, walk out and start renting a place [ to be honnest iam probably going to do this in the next 6 months anyways, ive been delaying cause living at home is nice and cushy]

I am not too sure why me moving out is so scary for them [ i would never use it as a 'threat' its just something that would happen and they know it] maybe they are afraid they wont see me anymore anyways... and whose to blame them, iam awesome.

 

[withoutaface]

If you're studying, and your parents can be shown to be capable of doing so, they must support you up until the age of 25. Use this to your advantage.