Why! (2 Viewers)

[jenslekman]

remember:
1. quality not quantity
2. you didnt really answer the question in your intro - as long as you answer the question you would get a fairly high mark regardless of how good your language is in your essay.
3. 3/20 is quite harsh and i do think that even if you didnt do that well, you shouldnt get a mark that low.

 

[Leffife]

In plain simple language:
1) Your teacher was harsh - not cool.
2) Your introduction made me a bit confused, I was trying to understand what you are trying to say. Just try to weaken the complexity of your sentences.
3) Just from an honest opinion, your introduction definitely didn't nail the question. Your argument overall wasn't clear.

I would probably expect more like an 8/20, you might get a few extra marks.

 

[killerg0d]

[h=3][/h]I just got my english paper back and got a 3/20
I just want your opinion on why/how.

The question was: the scene you have viewed presents 2 strong ideas. examine how these ideas are represented in the extract and the text as a whole.

My introduction was: Culture is a comprehensive term that encompasses the set of values and beliefs common within any cohesive group. It is these values that underpin the mechanism driving attitudes and ultimately establishing standard behaviours which are required to maintain a sense of acceptance within the group. Witness by Peter Weir presents the conflicts between two respective sets of culturally derived values by juxtaposing the obscurity of American civilisation and the sense of unity in the Amish community. Weir morally challenges the inherent peripheries between these polarities, emphasizing on the contrast between the presence of corruption in modern America and that of peace in agrarian Amish. In the case of cultural displacement, although this cultural discrepancy may result in an individual struggle, it might also provide an opportunity for some self-understanding.

The comment on my paper was, that my intro didn't answer the question. But I think it did..

I'm a standard student doing Witness as well. You have a good thesis. But you don't seem to refer to the 'scene' you were presented with. I don't understand what two ideas you have written about. I can see the "clash of cultures", but not another idea. The intro also seems to have been memorised and re-written in the exam, teachers can sense this and be very picky in deducting your marks. You may not even have chose the right idea for your scene.
What scene is this may i ask?

 

[xamineO]

I'm a standard student doing Witness as well. You have a good thesis. But you don't seem to refer to the 'scene' you were presented with. I don't understand what two ideas you have written about. I can see the "clash of cultures", but not another idea. The intro also seems to have been memorised and re-written in the exam, teachers can sense this and be very picky in deducting your marks. You may not even have chose the right idea for your scene.
What scene is this may i ask?

Just saying that isn't exactly what I put on my paper, this was my prepared essay and I memorised it and tried to manipulate it to the question. But the question they gave us was so broad I guess?
The scene was 'The gun of the Hand'
I included violence of modern society in my intro as well.

 

[powlmao]

Common mistake- being unable to adapt your prepared essay to the questio

 

[killerg0d]

Just saying that isn't exactly what I put on my paper, this was my prepared essay and I memorised it and tried to manipulate it to the question. But the question they gave us was so broad I guess?
The scene was 'The gun of the Hand'
I included violence of modern society in my intro as well.

The gun of the hand scene does not clearly represent the "clash of cultures" which you have explicitly stated in your introduction, it does but its significance is minor. The question asks for two "strong ideas"
It represents the distinct ideas of violence vs pacifism perhaps, cultural identity? of the top of my head.

try not to make a prepared essay, a question like this will always come out in trials and hsc. better not risk it. When you remember and essay your mind tends to stick to those ideas and techniques so there is not really much room for modification.

 

[xamineO]

The gun of the hand scene does not clearly represent the "clash of cultures" which you have explicitly stated in your introduction, it does but its significance is minor. The question asks for two "strong ideas"
It represents the distinct ideas of violence vs pacifism perhaps, cultural identity? of the top of my head.

try not to make a prepared essay, a question like this will always come out in trials and hsc. better not risk it. When you remember and essay your mind tends to stick to those ideas and techniques so there is not really much room for modification.

I used cultural differences and Violence.
Which the teacher said was correct. People also used loss of innocence.

 

[krnofdrg]

Just saying that isn't exactly what I put on my paper, this was my prepared essay and I memorised it and tried to manipulate it to the question. But the question they gave us was so broad I guess?
The scene was 'The gun of the Hand'
I included violence of modern society in my intro as well.

To me 3/20 doesn't seem like a valid mark, but I can tell you it didn't deserve to score a great mark either. I'll give you some advice as a previous Standard English Student who did substantially well, I did end up getting 89 last year.

Your approach was good but it seemed like you was using fancy vocabulary to impress the marker which was executed quite badly. Frankly, I was very irritated when trying to read it and trying to understand what your intro was trying to say, a lot of the words were very poorly used in the context of the essay. Also, I highly recommend not memorizing one essay, rather write multiple essays according to the syllabus because they can ask pretty much anything and yes it often gets very broad but you have to realize that answering the question succinctly is also crucial.

Anyways, don't worry about this task and just focus on the HSC and Trials. Don't get discouraged and prove to your teacher that you're a more capable writer next time!

 

[Absolutezero]

I think I would have read the two ideas through the lens of cultural differences i.e. how the cultural differences manifest and the results thereof (two ideas). I don't know the text well, but I get the feeling that would work better.

 

[killerg0d]

I used cultural differences and Violence.
Which the teacher said was correct. People also used loss of innocence.

Cultural differences i can see. But violence, i can't you gotta say whats in your body in the introduction. The introduction is almost a summarised template of your essay.
But i still don't understand how you got 3. In my school, the english faculty at our school marks pretty crazy, but not this crazy. Should get 8-10 at the minimum range.

 

[xamineO]

I think I would have read the two ideas through the lens of cultural differences i.e. how the cultural differences manifest and the results thereof (two ideas). I don't know the text well, but I get the feeling that would work better.

Yes, Cultural difference is an umberalla Idea which encompasses basically all the ideas in the movie.

 

[xamineO]

Cultural differences i can see. But violence, i can't you gotta say whats in your body in the introduction. The introduction is almost a summarised template of your essay.
But i still don't understand how you got 3. In my school, the english faculty at our school marks pretty crazy, but not this crazy. Should get 8-10 at the minimum range.

Yes, our school.. their marking is so harsh.
I hate it..
Violence in the modern society is seen by the gun and how Samuel says 'I will only kill the bad man'
Due to Violence in the modern society, it has sort of corrupted him, I think?
So it Cultural Differences and Violence and corruption of modern society wrong?

 

[zeebobDD]

Yes, our school.. their marking is so harsh.
I hate it..
Violence in the modern society is seen by the gun and how Samuel says 'I will only kill the bad man'
Due to Violence in the modern society, it has sort of corrupted him, I think?
So it Cultural Differences and Violence and corruption of modern society wrong?

dw our school marks really hard.

 

[krnofdrg]

If you have troubles with the marks they allocated, best thing to do is consult with your Head of English or further discuss with your teacher before it's too late to reverse any changes.

 

[krnofdrg]

Even though my school marked harshly, the minimum they would ever give was like a 5/20 and that was probably if you just wrote the intro and it answered the question.

I don't see how you can't go wrong getting a 14-16 minimum , if you just answer the question and have a legitimate structured essay.

 

[xamineO]

Even though my school marked harshly, the minimum they would ever give was like a 5/20 and that was probably if you just wrote the intro and it answered the question.

I don't see how you can't go wrong getting a 14-16 minimum , if you just answer the question and have a legitimate structured essay.

I hope I get a few extra marks.

 

[krnofdrg]

I hope I get a few extra marks.

I am hoping the teacher would at least give you a mark in the low 10's. 3/20 is really absurd.

 

[xamineO]

I am hoping the teacher would at least give you a mark in the low 10's. 3/20 is really absurd.

Me too, I really hope so.
The average in the year was about a 8 or so.
So if I get a 10 or a bit higher, I would be so happy.

 

[powlmao]

Just be nice when asking. Teachers hate it when you bitch.

 

[aphorae]

Oh, if the average was 8, I'm not really sure you could get above average if you didn't answer the question appropriately, since the teachers appeared to have marked harshly all round. What was the marking criteria? Did you specifically refer to that particular scene throughout your essay? Did you discuss BOTH 1) How your ideas are presented in that particular scene AND 2) How your ideas are presented in the text as a whole, either distinguishing or drawing similarities between both, with clarity?

If you did, when you're querying your mark you should raise those points and show where you discussed them in your essay. If not... :|