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Year 11 2014 Chat :) (1 Viewer)

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rachaelgrammar

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i would like some help if anyone is willing to do that for me :)

So, my half yearlies in next week and i have to write an english essay and the statement is 'change involves a choice that alters one's view of others and their world'. I haven't finished my intro, but I would like feedback please.

INTRO

Change is a fundamental need and critical component of one’s life as they grow and mature because it helps shapes one’s perception of things.It is powerfully influenced by the choices an individual makes.These choices may stem from one’s social and personal circumstances as a result,it can alter one’s views of others and their world because the underlying importance of this is how one acts in these situations defines who they are and perception of things. Moreover, change is clearly present within the book ‘Night’ by Elie Wiesel.This notion is further explored through the two poems “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost and (2nd poem) and also the short story ‘No Job For A Girl’ by .All of these texts reinforce the critical significance of choices that play a role in altering one’s view of others and their world.

BODY

Our lives are directed by the choices we make and in turn it give us great power to make changes.Life is filled with such essential choices, choices that define who we are. Depending on the situation an individual is in the choices they make can either be good or bad because of this, it can alter one’s views of others and their world.This is shown through the poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost in the lines ‘I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference’.The use of first person justifies the fact that although the persona had to chose between two roads he took the road less travelled which sometimes is not the best choice.However, the emphasis is not only on what has been chosen but also on the reason for that choice as the persona wanted to travelled in the road that no one has taken because he does not want to necessarily follow the crowd but do more of what has never been done, what is new and different.This, in turn, indicates that by altering his path his views of others and world changed because the persona took this path over the more popular, secure one and with that,it has made a significant impact towards his life because it was worth it as he has no regrets due to the fact that the experience of that path is rewarding and satisfying.In addition, it is evident that poem communicates the idea of change as a form of choice as the extended metaphor in the poem, is used persistently because informs us how about human beings are confronted with and defined by the choices they make.The use of symbolism for the word ‘road’ represents that every road leads to a specific destination which depends entirely on the choice that are made as one makes a series of choices that leads them to their destination.In contrast to Night, Elie Wiesel also discuses the element of change throughout the lines “What are we going to do?” He was lost in thought.The choice was in our hands.For once.We could decide our fate for ourselves.To stay, both of us, in the infirmary, … I had made up my mind to accompany my father wherever he went … “Let’s be evacuted with the others,” I said. (pg 82).The technique of rhetorical question creates and adds emphasis to the anticipation of what their choice will be because it changes their lives.In addition, combined with inclusive language and first person it denotes that Elie and his father were hopeful because for once they got to make a choice for themselves without any influences.In the end, they went on the death march, this proved to be a bad choice because the outcome costed them to endure more suffering and challenges.It has impacted greatly on Elie because his father did not survive the Holocaust.Had Elie and his father stayed in the infirmary they would’ve been freed from the reign of the Nazis and his father would have survived the Holocaust. Therefore, it is evident both text explore that notion that choices impact on one’s life as a result their views of others and their world alters when change becomes prevalent/occurs.
 

rawrliongirl

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Didn't end up watching a movie yesterday :( Actually, yesterday was quite unproductive..all I did was work on my billboard for multimedia D:
Today I'm going to try and get more work done :/
My dad said he would take me to JBHIFI to buy a movie so I can use my voucher which finishes today..so I guess there goes my plan of complimenting JB dude on his hair :/
I bet if JB dude is there and I compliment him on his hair, my dad will come up to us both and make things very awkward and then lecture me about boys and how I need to focus on my studies and blahblah. Hes so overprotective too -_-
 

Ununoctium

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...is further explored through the two poems “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost and (2nd poem) and also ...
English teachers sure love "The Road Not Taken". Did you also (or anyone else) have "Of Eurydice" by Ivan Lalic or "A Righteous Day" by Mudrooroo?
 

Kiraken

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only counts if it's real and spams thunder to annoy people
 

Simran-

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Same here! At someones house atm then gotta go to a partay! Whole weekend gone....


Btw nice dp change
I hate going anywhere especially during weekends when you have so much work to do!
In the hols its ok...but not during the term. But sometimes you have to go becoz of family or religious commitments.

Hehehe :p Thanks!
 

flyingmwa

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I hate going anywhere especially during weekends when you have so much work to do!
In the hols its ok...but not during the term. But sometimes you have to go becoz of family or religious commitments.

Hehehe :p Thanks!
Same here! But like I am a party animal but still gotta do school work!

Welcome ;)
 

Simran-

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Same here! But like I am a party animal but still gotta do school work!

Welcome ;)
:)
I'm barely able to watch my TV shows when I have so much school work, let alone go out. In fact sometimes weeks pass and I don't watch them. There's hardly any time to ever do anything else. :/
 

Erinaceous

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change involves a choice that alters one's view of others and their world'...
I'm not the best at english, but I'll have a go ;) Feel free to argue against whatever I say. All changes are in brackets and are bold~
Change is a fundamental need and critical component of one’s life as they grow and mature because it helps shapes one’s perception of things. (Change is a fundamental aspect of maturation, critical through it's ability to further insight to the individual's sense of self and surroundings.)It is powerfully influenced by the choices an individual makes.These choices may stem from one’s social and personal circumstances as a result,it can alter one’s views of others and their world because the underlying importance of this is how one acts in these situations defines who they are and perception of things. (The notion of choice is a catalyst towards change, as the decisions made by individuals ultimately defines who they are to others/their identity.)Moreover, change is clearly present within the book ‘Night’ by Elie Wiesel.This notion is further explored through the two poems “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost and (2nd poem) and also the short story ‘No Job For A Girl’ by .All of these texts reinforce the critical significance of choices that play a role in altering one’s view of others and their world.(The novel/short story, 'Night' by Elie Wiesel, 'No Job for A girl' by __you did not state author's name__ and poem, 'Road not taken' by Robert Frost explore change's (or use some word synonymous to change to demonstrate your insight to the topic) necessity/ some other assertion that reinforce whatever you're trying to say, that has been demonstrated in the texts. I can't give you an example because i haven't read the texts except the poem.)
Or if you want to just read my crappy paragraph,

Change is a fundamental aspect of maturation, critical through it's ability to further insight to the individual's sense of self and surroundings. The notion of choice is a catalyst towards change, as it is the decisions made by individuals which ultimately defines who they are (to others)/their identity. The novel/short story, 'Night' by Elie Wiesel, 'No Job for A girl' by __you did not state author's name__ and Robert Frost's poem, 'Road not taken', explore change's (or use some word synonymous to change to demonstrate your insight to the topic) necessity / some other assertion that reinforce whatever you're trying to say, that has been demonstrated in the texts, i can't give you an example because i haven't read the texts except the poem.


First thing I noticed - you need a thesaurus. You're using the same words in sentences that are almost next to one another.
Personally I found you also waffled a bit - I felt everything you said could pretty much be cut down. Use more complex sentences.

lel I was going to do the body as well, but I need to start on my 2500 word VA essay due tomorrow //procrastinationik c: If you have any questions and/or complaints (of making your paragraph worse //cries) just message me. Btw, try not to use whatever I said word for word (if you feel the urge to. Ik, I'm deluded,) because
1) That was done in like 10 minutes,
2) You learn nothing from just coping it.
3) It's not a model introduction b/c I ain't good at english.
4) If your teachers ever decide to put your essay into a website/reference scanning thing to see if you plagiarized, this will show up.

Good luck!
 
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simmyyy

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Hey guys how's everyone been doing? How's exams been going? I have hell week coming up in week 6-7 so I am safe for a while


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