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lilsxcwog69
Guest
Is my AOS essay good
hopeles5ly
Take Me Higher.
in your paragraphs about the poems don't start with "this is another text", "this other poem also demonstrates ....", " this is another text which shows a link between journey and understanding". The marker already knows that these texts you are discussing relate to the journey opening the mind to a greater understading because you already stated that in your intro, and thus your just becoming repetitive. You must link and integrate everything !. so what you can do is make the poems your focus and then compare and contrast it's view with all your other texts. Show the similaries, and also how this and this is also demonstrated in the text. Your essay also doesn't flow also and it just seems like its jumping around at times. you begin to talk about how how understanding is gained by taking a journey and then your essay takes a jump and starts to discuss how the journey involve different types of obstacles and how its long and deviating in nature. that has nothing to do with the question and thus your not supporting what it says ! it`s irrelevant. In your conclusion you then stated "the journey MAY ALSO prove to be beneficial to journey as it CAN lead to greater awareness and understandings. your essay is an argument ! you want to presuade the marker to support your view !!. thus the tone of it seems like you don't even know what your on about. your essay also consists of grammar problems. if you want i can send you essays which have gotten in the top band. just pm.lilsxcwog69 said:
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lilsxcwog69
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arggggggghhhhhhh
I thought it was perfectly fine
There is no jumping around you goose!
The essay question was "The journey leads to greater understanding" and I have discussed this statement in light of my texts.
tRY DOing one urself
I thought it was perfectly fine
There is no jumping around you goose!
The essay question was "The journey leads to greater understanding" and I have discussed this statement in light of my texts.
tRY DOing one urself
shinji
Is in A State Of Trance
wats the point of asking for criticism if you can't accept criticisM?lilsxcwog69 said:
=/
he's just pointing out what he THINKS is wrong with the essay. he isn't attacking your ability per se'.
so there is no point in going off at him!
That's the exact same question for my practice essay.lilsxcwog69 said:
You have some very nice techniques like enjambment, which will definitely impress a marker because they don't see these techniques very often.
1200ish words is probably a little too much, unless you are planning to give yourself an extra 5-10 mins during paper 1 and write rapidly.
Your structure is fine.
Try to keep all of it in third person, stay away from first person. Second person is a bit risky as well.
Use "it" less and refer to the actual subject/noun e.g use "the text demonstrates" instead of "it demonstrates".
You have some nice, elevated language which will be good for the marker to see. :uhhuh:
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lilsxcwog69
Guest
Please someone else read my essay and comment!
Fine gang up on me
Fine gang up on me
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lilsxcwog69
Guest
Wow hoplessly you were the only one to give me overall cooments that condemned my essay
Just goes to show your not fit enough to asses such writings
It took me like 2-3hours thats why I was pissed when I heard the comments
And finally I admire your sarcasm but please dont go too far with it or you'll look like and complete and utter idiot.
'Why dont you take a journey of your own and never come back"
I feel cool im not angry
Just goes to show your not fit enough to asses such writings
It took me like 2-3hours thats why I was pissed when I heard the comments
And finally I admire your sarcasm but please dont go too far with it or you'll look like and complete and utter idiot.
'Why dont you take a journey of your own and never come back"
I feel cool im not angry
shinji
Is in A State Of Trance
man ur tricky brian - -;;Riviet said:
oh well. this guy has a serious attitude problem and needs a reality check.
incase u go attacking me about not giving u criticism; i found that u use too much of "her"when u talked about journey to the interior.
You also have to make more links to the texts. What the links are. how they are shown. and what these links add to ur meaning of journey.
O and btw; ur thesis on journey itself should be longer and unique so it gets the reader's attention.
not bad...
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hopeles5ly
Take Me Higher.
sighz i think he has to learn to actually READ my comments as they are suggestions of how he can improve his essay and that they are not INTENDED to antagonize him . -_____-".shinji / d3sp said:
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The comments given by both hopeles5ly and Riviet and that of students people who have either done with question in an exam, practiced it or completed AOS and no some 'big ideas' and how important it is to use these to backup the points raised. If you think hopeles5ly isn't 'fit enough' then there is no reason to say that Riviet isn’t fit enough, they are both students who have completed AOS and neither have any qualifications that would please you the only difference is one gave you an answer you liked and one didn't.lilsxcwog69 said:
hopeles5y was just trying to point out the areas that you could improve upon to enhance your essay and maybe boost its mark and the points he raised where very valid, you need to reinforce your main idea and continually draw back to that through the techniques that you use and what they use about the main idea otherwise there is no put using those techniques.
Both what hopeles5y and Riviet said would be similar to a teacher, who normally would point out what needs improving and what is good to improve your self confidence. Even after spending 2-3 hours on an essay there is usually always room for improvement, evening just looking at your word count you will need to drop that because I assure you there is no way you will be able to write that in the allocated time.
Good luck and remember next time when you ask for someone if your 'AOS essay is good' after a first draft expect them to reply with some constructive criticism and learn how to except it.
---- Just thought I would back you up hopeles5y you and Riviet did a good job.
Rafy
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lilsxcwog69 said:
Such comments lilsxcwog69 are regrettable to say the least. This forum, this community, is what it is because people take their time to help others. They dont do it because they neccesarily get anything in return, but because they genuinely wish to help you succeed, and do the best you can possibly do. (hell there are even many 05ers still around helping out even after their HSC is finished).
The comments of the people who have posted in here are such examples that highlight what i refer too. Your thread title is 'Hey ready my essay and comment'; and that is what they did, they commented and provided constructive critisicim to HELP YOU. If you dont want such help, dont post here. If praise is all you are after, look elsewhere.
Nobody is going to force you to be apprecitive. If you dont recognise the sacrifices people have made to help you and others well then thats your business. Regrettable as it is. (But i'll say this: - It dosent make people want to help you in the future). But whatever you do, do NOT start flaming and attacking those who are only trying to help you.
Nothing is ever perfect, things can always be improved, and it would benefit you alot if you listened to some of the advice.
That is all.
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lilsxcwog69
Guest
OK i THINK ENOUGH HAS BEEN SAID ABOUT MERafy said:
I'll guess ill have to settle this the old preschool way
Sorry hoplessly (I never offended anyone else except her and thats that)
I just wanted to recieve constructive not destructive criticism and i tend to like things be right at the first attempt.
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pLuvia
Guest
Well to be criticised means you get more dedicated to make it better, as of now, you want to make it better don't you?
hopeles5y is a he i.e. male.
And with a reply like that I dare say the next time you ask for comments it will not be taken so well. We all like things to be excellent the first go but that simply doesn’t happen even the best students can admit that. The criticism you received was complete constructive if you actually use it to enhance your essay it will be better off, if you can’t take criticism of any kind from people that are trying to help you then why ask – criticism in any form can always be helpful.
As for your apology or lack of I think that would offend hopeles5y more who has been a dedicated BOS member striving to help other HSC students while getting nothing back. And from that apology it was clear you wanted everyone to say how brilliant YOU thought ti was…..
And with a reply like that I dare say the next time you ask for comments it will not be taken so well. We all like things to be excellent the first go but that simply doesn’t happen even the best students can admit that. The criticism you received was complete constructive if you actually use it to enhance your essay it will be better off, if you can’t take criticism of any kind from people that are trying to help you then why ask – criticism in any form can always be helpful.
As for your apology or lack of I think that would offend hopeles5y more who has been a dedicated BOS member striving to help other HSC students while getting nothing back. And from that apology it was clear you wanted everyone to say how brilliant YOU thought ti was…..
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lilsxcwog69
Guest
Sorry to everyone I admit what I did was wrong and a bit ecstatic I was just having a crap of a day yesterday and I know thats no reason for me to go off my head.
I will take your criticism and work around the question more carefully in order to improve its overall qualtiy and content (Was there anything else wrong)
Anywayz im over it so should everyone else ?
http://www.vhs-ruesselsheim.de/images/sorry.gif
I will take your criticism and work around the question more carefully in order to improve its overall qualtiy and content (Was there anything else wrong)
Anywayz im over it so should everyone else ?
http://www.vhs-ruesselsheim.de/images/sorry.gif
hopeles5ly
Take Me Higher.
hehe it`s ok =]lilsxcwog69 said:
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pLuvia
Guest
Just be careful next time, I'm sure people will still help